Stockholm syndrome

All in all, I will have stayed in the hospital for roughly 5 months this year. And with my condition, staying in the hospital means being completely stuck in the hospital room. The chemotherapy wipes out my immune system, and I have to be quarantined in my room almost the entire time. Even going out to the small hospital section I stay in, to go for short walks, requires putting on mask and gloves.

So every time I was discharged, it was a huge relief. Everything is just better at home. Food, even of my own cooking, is much tastier than the overcooked, dry hospital food. Walking from the living room to the kitchen to get water feels way better than asking the nurse to bring it to me. I can watch shows and movies on my bigger TV. I can sleep through the night without interruptions. There is more energy at home, and more positive energy.

But it didn’t feel quite the same this last time I was discharged.

On my way home from the hospital, I started having a headache and felt nauseated. And this lasted, on and off, for a good week after my discharge. The moment I stepped into the house, I felt so cold that I had to go straight to bed in my outdoors clothes and cover up in a thick blanket. I just felt weak in general.

What I hated most were the constant trips to the clinic. Being in the car made me sick. Waiting in the lobby and having to sit up right made me even sicker. Most appointments were in the morning, so this meant I couldn’t just wake up at whatever time and slack off in bed glued to my phone. And it all took a good chunk out of my day. I usually felt exhausted after getting home.

These trips to the clinic used to feel like a breeze compared to being stuck in the hospital room. I wonder if I have spent so much time in the hospital that I am drawn to it now…