Crystal ball

If someone with a crystal ball knew when you would die, would you want them to reveal that information to you? The answer for myself had always been yes. Even if it’s only a matter of a couple of days, which is scary to think about, I would still want to know. I think knowing when is pretty powerful, because it gives you a chance to leave the comfort zone and do things you haven’t done before. Not to say that you couldn’t do those things without that knowledge, but I believe it is a great incentive.

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A friend of mine died a few years ago right in front of me from a cardiac arrest. There were three of us, having a regular day: we went out to a restaurant near Copley; took a walk to a basketball court near Northeastern University; played a pick-up game. Then, right after the game, as we were walking away from the court, he felt light-headed and collapsed. Not knowing CPR, the other friend and I could only follow a few instructions from the 911 operator and wait for the ambulance to arrive. It was clearly not enough help that we gave him, because he died a few days later in the ICU. I still feel guilty and useless about not knowing a basic thing like CPR at that time. I let him down. By the time the ambulance came, his heart had already stopped for a few minutes. A few minutes that we could’ve shortened.

In no more than 5 seconds, he went unconscious, and continued to be in that state until the very last moment. My friend died suddenly, and nobody told him that he was going to. He had no time at all to prepare for his death. Whatever plans he had, short-term or long-term, had to be abandonded immediately. I remember his car parked somewhere nearby, and it just stood there. No one came to pick it up or tow it, at least for a few days after the incident.

I’ve heard people say that dying quickly is the ultimate way to go. Someone even said to me afterwards that while it was tragic and my friend didn’t deserve to go, he was in a way blessed that he could die so fast and painlessly. Maybe that’s true when you’re 80, but is it at such a young age?

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I have been fighting a serious fungal pneumonia for almost two weeks now. It’s a tough mold that is very hard to beat, especially when my immune system is so weak. The situation got very serious last week, to a point where my oncologist told me that things could turn to the worst in a few days. She told Diane to take off work this entire week to be with me. I even messaged my friends and told them that if they wanted to visit, this was the time.

But things got better. In a few days, I’ll get a repeat CAT scan to see the treatment’s progress.

Even after the CAT scan, there will be some uncertainty about my pneumonia. I would still like to go to that person with the crystal ball, and ask them how much time I have. Maybe they’ll say 5 days. Maybe they’ll say the pneumonia will back off, and the Decitabine+Venetoclax will work well for me and keep me going for 40 more cycles – that’s about 3 years! Or maybe they’ll say I’ll be cured of leukemia and live for 50 more years. Whatever they say, I’ll take it. Certainty always beats not knowing.